Hey sweets,
How should we talk to a woman or anyone who is single or struggling with being single? The answer is simple: like a human being.
This summer I was asked by many well-meaning adults, and family and friends if I am still single.
Let me tell you, it hurts.
Every time I would shake off the question and quickly answer, “I’m open to dating, of course, but it hasn’t happened yet. I’m really investing in other parts of my life right now.” and so on.
I wanted to scream: “Of course, I want to date! Right now I’m trying so hard to be content in this season and wait on God, but you are making that incredibly difficult!” Give or take a few expletives.
Society was shouting a clear message to me: your worth depends on your relationship status.
They all would respond, “That’s okay, you’ll find someone.”
Of course it’s okay! There is so much more going on in my life than if I have a boyfriend. Society was shouting a clear message to me: your worth depends on your relationship status.
Some of my greatest insecurities popped up. Am I kind enough, pretty enough, thin enough, Christian enough, or smart enough to date? To be loved?
The world tells us that we must compare ourselves to others, to rate ourselves, even, to see how we measure up. No wonder we have to work hard to convince ourselves we are “good enough.”
I had to remind myself that God has an entirely different approach!
Our existence is proof of the Lord’s love for us. He knew what He was doing when He gave you life.
God “knit me together in my mother’s womb” and “all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139). The Lord knows us with only the intimacy the Creator can have and still chooses us again and again. He knew who you were before you were born. He loved you beyond what you can imagine, even knowing you might not love Him back.
Your relationship status may change but your worth certainly will not.
He has chosen you and will continue to choose you and show you how loved you are because you matter. God will leave the 99 sheep to find the one (you!), no matter how far that sheep has strayed (Matthew 18). He knew what He was doing when He sent His son for you to take away the burden of sin and shame. Jesus was sent for you because you are so worth it.
Please don’t forget you are so absolutely loved and wonderful! You do not need a date to prove that you are worthy of being loved. Your worth is in Jesus Christ who “is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). Your relationship status may change but your worth certainly will not.
So, back to the task at hand: how should we talk to our friends who may be unhappy with their singleness?
First, don’t ask her if she is single. If she wants to share that information she will. Seriously, let her bring up the subject.
There are so many reasons why someone may be single and it is not your job to find out why.
Don’t ask her why she is single or if she has tried dating apps. It is rude and incredibly insensitive to pry into this part of someone’s life because we do not know the whole story. She may have trouble trusting someone after abuse or after suffering from some kind of trauma. She may be choosing to be single after hearing from God. There are so many reasons why someone may be single and it is not your job to find out why. Even if you ask the question innocently, you may have ruined her day by asking her about it. Dating is personal, don’t make it your business if she has not invited you into that part of her life.
If she does have her eye on someone -- encourage her! This is an incredibly exciting time for her so let her live it out and help if she wants any advice. The love interest does not have to be her future spouse for this to be a positive thing in her life! Be who she needs you to be in that moment -- a cheerleader, a mentor, a trusted friend, someone who gives great advice, or a good listener. This is a great opportunity for her to see more of what she likes in a potential partner and to learn more about herself and grow in her relationship with God.
There is so much more going on in everyone’s life than who they are dating!
Speak life into her if she shares with you that she is having trouble trusting God’s timing. Remind her that she is always loved by God and has many people in her life who love her. Alena once told me, “A boyfriend is just someone else who would love you. You already have so many people in your life who love you, he would just be a bonus.” I was losing sight of what I already had! I needed someone to tell me how loved I am and to see that I am worthy of receiving love and respect from a great guy when the time is right.
Most importantly, talk about things other than dating! If any of those well-meaning people this summer asked me about my interests and what I am studying I would have loved it! Ask her what she’s passionate about, something that she is looking forward to, or what God is teaching her lately. There is so much more going on in everyone’s life than who they are dating!
Even though dating is exciting and we just want to share that with our friends, let’s not lose sight of what is important. Let’s talk about all of the interesting and exciting things in our lives, not just our relationship status!
Are you tired of being asked about your relationship status? What are some things you wish people asked you about instead?
Peace and blessings,
Shaina
