“Your relationship with the Lord is like a house. In one room there are all of your dreams for the future, the time you invest in your friends, family, etc. What is the room you aren’t letting God into? He needs to be welcomed into the whole house, so what door are you keeping locked?” As a high schooler, I attended a conference where a pastor said these words.
As I reflected on the pastor’s questions, I realized dating and relationships were the rooms I kept locked. I thought I could figure it out by myself, or maybe that God didn’t need to be all that invested in my dating relationships. The summer before my freshman year of high school, I realized I did not have an opinion on dating. I set out to research how Christians approach dating.
I learned that some Christians choose to court, rather than date. Courting is like dating but with strict boundaries set in place by the couples and the families involved. Dates are usually chaperoned and fathers are typically involved in “screening” the guys who are interested in their daughters before their daughters meet them. This is a way to hold the couple accountable and involve the entire family in the process. This system just didn’t feel right for me and didn’t fit my family.
I began to pray about what dating might look like in my life. I felt like I had to figure it out before I started high school.
There’s also the modern dating culture we all know. There’s hook-up culture, “going-steady,” online dating, etc. I wasn’t sure where I fit in with what I saw and what I believed. I knew a Christian relationship would have a focus on the Lord, but I had seen few examples of what that would look like.
I began to pray about what dating might look like in my life. I felt like I had to figure it out before I started high school. Now I know that God doesn’t work that way. I didn’t have to get it completely right for Him to be content with me. I could have taken my time, listened to Him, and I would have seen how His direction for my life might have changed throughout my high school years. Instead, I put pressure on myself to figure it all out. I thought God might be calling me to stay single throughout high school.
When I felt like God was calling me not to date in high school, my dreams of a sweet high school relationship died. I’m not gonna lie, it hurt. However, God leads us to amazing new places because He knows exactly what we need and He is the only one who can get us there. I only knew I should faithfully follow God despite my own desires. After lots of tear-filled prayers I prayed something like, “I don’t know if I need to be single all of high school, but for now the answer I am getting is to avoid dating. I hear you, Lord, and I will obey.” I never thought this goal of waiting to date would lead me somewhere more beautiful than I could have imagined.
I knew that the Lord was telling me I just wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I desired yet.
The Lord used this time to teach me so much and help me learn to pray and get in His word. I had the time to invest in others in a way I wouldn’t have been able to if I had a boyfriend. I was able to make close friendships throughout high school, when others began to be more focused on dating relationships. Some of my friends went through really hard times in high school and it was important that I was able to be there for them. My friends knew they could depend on me. I was not distracted by high school dating, but instead I focused on what was more lasting, like friendships and my relationship with the Lord. Some romantic relationships in high school are great and God-led, but I knew that the Lord was telling me I just wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I desired yet.
I also experienced a lot of stress from academics in high school. The Lord protected me in this time because He knew I could not handle the stress of navigating a dating relationship while also managing my other obligations. I could focus on the things that mattered to me like school and working my first job. The people in my life knew they could count on me to volunteer or babysit last minute. This is also around the time when I joined my amazing church. I invested time in the youth group and attended conferences and mission trips. That’s not to say that I could not use my time effectively while dating someone, but my only priority was my own life, so it made helping others and spiritual growth easier.
In addition to it being the right thing for my life, here are some things I also learned from choosing not to date in high school:
1. My worth does not lie in another person’s opinion of me.
I did not wonder if a guy was into me because I wasn’t planning on dating anyway. The Lord has shown me how to turn to Him for the only kind of love and admiration that will truly satisfy. It breaks my heart to see young women rely on the fleeting emotions of others to reaffirm their worth. Believe me, I’ve been there. Since I chose not to date, however, I had no choice but to find my worth somewhere else.
2. Crushes are exhausting! I saved so much time by not obsessing over guys.
Now that I am open to dating in the Lord’s time, I realize how difficult it can be to play the dating game. Does he like me? Do I actually like him? Was that casual invitation really a date? It can be so stressful! High school was a stressful time for me already. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with everything at once.
3. High school is a great time to form your own opinions and figure out who you are!
Since I was single in high school, I never had to consider if my significant other’s opinion was in line with my own. That’s not to say you have to agree with your significant other on everything, but it is another opinion to consider. I formed ideas on current events and how I wanted my life to be lived, with research and those I trusted. I could be as outspoken as I wanted without fear of wondering if some guy was going to think I was “too much.” Side note, that kind of guy is so not worth it anyway! Both people in a relationship need to respect one another's’ opinions, especially when they clash.
4. Although it is important to see firsthand what you like, there is also a lot to learn from others.
As I encouraged my friends in their new relationships I began to see what I did and did not like in a relationship. I learned what to look for in a relationship and things to be wary of in a guy.
5. I learned so much about the qualities I admire in guys just by spending time with them as friends.
The guys I spent time with in high school, along with family members, showed me the value in having loving and respectful relationships with men. I’ve always loved having a group of girlfriends, but including guys into that group without the pressure of dating was such a great way to learn more about how men should treat women and vice versa.
I chose not to date in high school because it was the right decision for me. I have seen beautiful relationships formed in high school, but that’s just not my story. The Lord taught me so much during my high school years and I am so thankful for that sweet time with just Him. High school served as an amazing time for me to invest in myself. I know exactly what I want in a relationship and I won’t settle because I have had so much time to reflect and consider dating.
Waiting to date was the first time I really put my trust in the Lord and it wasn’t easy, especially when I had to choose the Lord again and again when I sometimes wanted other things. God was so patient and understanding with me in this time. My life was made infinitely more beautiful by inviting Him into the house, then slowly letting Him into each room.
What part of your life do you need to invite God into? What do you think about dating in high school?
Peace and blessings,
Shaina
