On some level, we all have a deep desire and need to belong somewhere. One of my favorite songs, “Broken Ones” by Jacquie Lee has the lyric,“We all know how it feels to be forgotten for a while.”
The feeling of exclusion is one that we all know too well because it is one of the bruises of this life.
When you are in a group of people who you want to like you, the last thing you want is the sting of being left out or the label of being weird or different.
Sometimes giving into peer pressure can really feel like the only option. I know that feeling too well, and I have definitely messed up a number of times because of it. Still, I’m here to tell you that I’ve learned so much about this topic, and it is a lie that it is the only option. There are always more benefits to sticking to your gut. You know what you want to participate in and what you don’t want to do. It’s in your hands whether you listen to the pressure or not. It’s totally and completely up to you.
Peer pressure is not always meant to be malicious.
In fact, the majority of times I have been peer pressured, it wasn’t. Have you ever had a song that you are obsessed with, so you show your friend? You want them to love it too because it’d be fun to enjoy the same music together, right? A lot of the time when friends peer pressure us it’s because they love the life they are living and want us to be a part of it and enjoy it, too.
Peer pressure can also stem from personal insecurities. It is easy to keep doing something “bad” when in the company of a group of people who are doing the same thing. However, if there is one person not participating, it can have the power to make everyone else start to rethink their own decisions.
I often find myself pressured to take part in “party culture” at college or with friends. Because of my beliefs on alcohol, drugs, and sex, I say no to a lot of things people my age partake in. However, if you know me well, you know that people pleasing is something I struggle with. I have a tendency to feel the need to keep people happy sometimes at my own expense.
I’ve even let people pleasing win over following my values at times.
I studied abroad in France the second semester of my sophomore year in college. When I was at my home university, being pressured into partying was never an issue because most of my friends weren’t into the party scene. In France, however, I knew things were going to be different.
The program I had signed up for was set up in a way so that I went overseas with 14 other students from my American university and one professor came with us. Because of that setup, naturally it was important that I could find friends within that small bubble of people. I was really stressed out in the beginning of the semester because I knew I needed to “go out” with everyone in order to bond with them. I went out with everyone for a few nights, not drinking much, but still enjoying everyone’s presence.
I loved this group of people, but as much as I wanted to, I didn’t fit in with the nightlife that they enjoyed.
Because I didn’t fit in, slowly I began to go to fewer and fewer group gatherings. I started making friends with other students who went to my university in France. I even made a really close friend at the church I attended abroad.
I still saw my American friends a lot, and I still bonded with them. I love them all dearly. We had a lot of group trips around France together. However, on weekends when I wasn’t regularly invited to go bar hopping with the main group, I felt excluded.
I knew that if I had gone out with them, I wouldn’t have been happy or been myself, but the exclusion hurt.
On weekends when I didn't see my American friends at all, I wondered what they thought of me and if I was being purposely left out.
For one of our big excursions, we went to Paris for a week. I did my own thing all week, and left the group activities often to see a close friend who happens to live in Paris. One day when the other American students and I were grouping up to go on a tour, four girls on my program bumped into me.
One of the girls, with a huge smile on her face said to me “Alena! Oh my gosh, we were just talking about you!” She gave me a big hug.
Another one of the girls said “We were saying basically how much we love you. We just love you!”
They proceeded to give me hugs and I was in shock. Here I was, doing nothing special all semester, totally being myself, and these girls loved me anyways.
It didn’t matter that I didn’t party with them.
They liked me for my personality and still enjoyed seeing me when we did hang out.
The fears I had that I was being purposely left out fell away. In that brief moment where I felt their love, I realized a few things:
Firstly, I was so proud of myself for having the courage to be myself. It wasn’t easy, but I never hid the fact that I didn’t want to drink too much or smoke, and I’m glad I didn’t. I want to be true to who I am and what I am comfortable with.
Secondly, I realized how much I had gained by not following the group. I made so many friends at my university in France. I didn’t settle for loneliness when I knew people were out partying. I talked to classmates and built some really close international friendships. I was even given the opportunity to travel with these friends. I know that the friendships I have from this experience will be lifelong.
Finally, I learned the important lesson that I don’t need to conform for people to like me.
In Romans 12:2 we are told, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is -- His good, pleasing, and perfect will.”
It is better for our hearts to do what we want and work on aligning that with what God wants for us. This doesn’t mean following a strict set of rules, but it means living in a way that is honoring God and truly fulfilling to you here on earth. It’s your life, so you should not be people pleasing throughout it.
Constantly giving in to what others want from you is not a life. That pattern is only going to lead to resentment and anger towards yourself and your friends later on.
True friends will love you no matter what and saying no in situations you don’t want to be in will lead you even closer to finding out who you are as a person and which friends care about you and love you the most. Make good choices, but more importantly, make choices you feel align with your heart and beliefs. Trust me, you will be surprised by how much people respect you for living the life you want to live.
How do you deal with peer pressure? Has people pleasing been a struggle of yours? How can we encourage one another to live the life God is calling us to live?
Peace and hugs,
Alena
