Growing up my mom used to say I was the queen of eavesdropping. I used to love hearing her phone conversations with her friends and family, and I think that sort of carried into how I behaved in school. I remember being so into gossiping and finding out about rumors in the years leading up to middle school and throughout high school. At a small school like mine, everyone knows everything, that’s part of the fun. Or at least it’s fun until you are directly involved in the rumors or the gossip.
Gossip is something I struggle with a LOT. I used to say it was my worst sin, and you know what? It probably still is. It’s something I have worked on, and I think that I will always need to be mindful of it.
In 8th grade my gossiping first came back to haunt me. I had told a few of my friends that another friend was seeing someone. It was supposed to be a secret that these two were dating, and I knew that, but I figured I could tell my best friends because I trusted them. Well, I was wrong. Soon, plenty of people knew about the couple. The friend in the relationship never found out that it was probably me who outed her, but it didn’t change the fact that I’d done it.
Here’s the thing, like most things deemed “sinful” in the Bible, gossip is something that feels great in the moment. When we look back at what we’ve said, however, it might not feel so good, even when we don’t get caught.
I believe that something is a sin, not because it is inherently bad, but because it is often harmful to someone or to oneself. God deemed things “sinful” to try and give us instructions on how to live life the way He intended. This means our lives would be less painful if we all obeyed Him and His advice, but that can be hard.
Why do we gossip in the first place? Why does trash-talking or revealing other people’s secrets feel good?
Actually, it makes a lot of sense why we enjoy it. First of all, by talking about other people’s faults or weird tendencies, we build ourselves up and bring the attention away from where we fall short.
We are also able to connect with other people when we gossip. When we spread rumors with someone, it is usually in an effort to get them to see us as a confidante and someone we can share things with, even though the secrets we are sharing aren’t our own.
I used to throw around the phrase “I don’t judge, but…” and I know I didn’t make that saying up.
I think a lot of us, especially Christians, wear a false armor of “I don’t judge but…”
Just because we say those four words, it does not take away from the fact that we are judging! If we are talking about someone behind their back, it is always a judgement of some sort. Something someone has done caused us to see them in a different light, or it made an impact on us so much that we felt the need to share it to validate our own feelings and see how other people may feel. We are judging them because they are different than who we are, and that’s never okay.
Gossip is almost always more about ourselves: who we are and how we feel, than it is about the people we are talking about.
I love how Jesus calls us out on this typical behavior to only judge others and never ourselves. Matthew 7:3-5 says:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Wow. He has a point, doesn’t he? We are wasting time when we are talking about other people. Shouldn’t we be spending more time working on ourselves? The answer will always be a resounding yes because we can always be better than the person we are right now.
Here are a few tips I have on how to change the bad habit of talking about others, and I hope that this will help you along your journey:
For Lent a few years ago, Shaina was working on giving up gossiping, and I applied the same method as she did. Her rule was that anytime she was talking about someone who wasn’t present, she would imagine that they actually were in the same room. It was such a helpful exercise for both of us! If we caught ourselves starting to talk about someone else, we wouldn’t always stop, but instead we would make an effort to look at the situation with compassion. For example, if I started to complain about a forgetful friend I would say, “It’s so frustrating when so-and-so shows up so late, but I know it’s because she has a stressful semester and is thinking about other things. It’s not intentional.” Turning the negative words into positive ones can make us see people’s humanity clearer.
This practice can become habitual and help change our hearts so that we become more grace-filled and kind overall.
Another thing that might help us prevent the urge to gossip is to write whatever we are holding down on a piece of paper, then tear it up and throw it out. Putting it down on paper can help to lessen the need we often feel to immediately spill the information we are carrying the next time we see someone.
On the other hand, journaling could also reveal to us why we are so shocked by this information and why it is something that is making an impact on us. Maybe the information involves a close friend, maybe it makes us jealous, angry, unhappy, etc. When we write things down, we may realize the secrets we are holding are too big a burden for us to be holding alone and that is why we “must” share them.
In that case, reflect upon who you can best share this information with without disrespecting anyone involved. Maybe you need to talk to the source, or maybe a third party. This way you are talking to someone who is either the subject of the gossip or someone far removed from the situation, and the person involved will never be accidentally hurt by your words. Here are some questions you can have in your back-pocket when having a debate about whether or not to voice something:
-Is the person I'm telling involved?
-Do they need to be involved?
-Will they be part of the solution to the situation?
There is a fine line between telling a story and gossiping, so thinking about the motivation behind why we are talking about someone or something is key.
If we are doing it in a positive manner, and there are only positive feelings involved, then it may not be gossip at all, and we are just sharing a story or two with our friends. If there are negative feelings involved (jealousy, anger, etc.) then chances are, we are gossiping, and our words are coming from a place of our own insecurities and doubts.
Let’s not let our weaknesses get the best of us and cause us to tear other people down. There are plenty of other ways to have close relationships that don’t involve Mean Girls-style rant sessions. Friends, may we love each other harder, and speak words of affirmation over each other more than we speak words of judgement.
After all,
“The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”James 3:17
By having the self-awareness about why we gossip in the first place, we can avoid the hard moments of guilt or pain that often accompany our words.
How do you deal with the urge to gossip?
Share your thoughts below! Thanks for reading!
Much love,
Alena
